Apparently A Guy Can Wear A Dress
by StrawberryGreen
Summary: Full title: Apparently A Guy Can Wear A Dress on the Enterprise, but A Girl Can't Wear A Pair of Pants. Or: Five times a guy showed up to the bridge in a dress, and one time time Uhura wore pants.


**Written for a prompt on the kink meme. Originally posted to my lj.**

**I have the terrible feeling that I failed miserably at trying to make this funny.**

:::

**Kirk**

"...Captain?"

"Yes, Mr. Spock?" Kirk inquired politely, sprawling out in his chair languidly, legs spread out and arms resting limply on the armrests, like always. This would have been no different than any other day on the bridge, except that today the Captain of the U.S.S. Enterprise was, for some reason, wearing a dress. A yellow Starfleet issued dress, to be precise. His position in the chair also made it quite obvious that he had chosen to not wear any underwear to work that day. He was grinning around the bridge like he had not noticed that everyone had a very clear view of his package yet.

"May I inquire as to why you are wearing an article of clothing that is usually intended for females only?"

Kirk shrugged, accepting the PADD offered to him by a startled looking yeoman. "S'not like it's against the rules or anything."

Spock gave him a look. "And I presume you are aware of the fact that you are wearing no undergarments either?"

"Yep."

Spock sighed, and left it at that.

**Bones**

The entire bridge crew had to stifle their laughs when Bones stormed in wielding a PADD and a hypospray wearing a blue mini-dress with matching knee-high boots. The doctor didn't hesitate in jabbing the hypospray into the side of Jim's neck. Kirk swooned for a second before fainting in his chair. Bones jabbed another hypospray into the side of his neck before grabbing his feet and dragging him into the lift.

Just before the doors closed, the bridge crew heard him say, rather smugly, "Payback."

**Spock**

Not one person had any idea why Spock was wearing a dress. When asked, he just responded with a raised eyebrow.

The blue dress hung on Spock awkwardly, but Jim wasn't complaining. He especially liked it when Spock leaned over his station to check some reading or another.

After his shift, Spock wondered exactly why the Captain had told him to wear that dress. It had served no logical purpose that he could discern.

Then again, he knew that Jim Kirk had never been logical.

**Cupcake**

"Lose a bet, Cupcake?" Kirk asked, smirking as he accepted the PADD from his head of security.

Jim felt the fist smash into his face a moment later and barely caught himself from falling all of the way out of his chair. He watched as the large man sprinted out of the bridge, head in his hands.

There was silence for a moment before Kirk straightened up. "What the fuck was that about?" He looked down to see that the PADD had shattered; apparently he had dropped it when he had been punched. He sighed and left the mess for later.

"Sir." Kirk looked over to where Uhura was standing, an annoyed expression on her face.

"Yes, lieutenant?"

"Officer Dallas is metrosexual, sir."

"...oh. Whoops."

**Chekov**

When Chekov reported to the bridge for duty one morning wearing a bright yellow, skintight mini-dress, nobody said anything.

Nobody wanted to say what was on all of their minds: that Chekov looked fucking _amazing_ in that dress. It clung slightly to his ribs and his hip bones, and the tall boots only made it sexier.

The only one who said anything about it the entire day was Sulu's murmured "I am going to fuck you so hard with that on tonight" during their lunch break.

He was completely oblivious to the fact that that was the reason Chekov had worn it in the first place.

**And the 1 time Uhura wore pants:**

Uhura had no idea why everyone was so worked up. As far as she could tell, everything was going fine with the mission. There had been no recent credible gossip lately, so it couldn't be that either.

But whatever it was, she was beginning to get extremely paranoid. Every time she walked into a room, someone gaped at her. Whenever she talked to someone, they would look pointedly at the floor for a large portion of the conversation.

Finally, after over four hours of this, she gave up and asked Kirk what _exactly_ was happening.

Kirk's eyes widened slightly, and he leaned in, motioning her closer. She moved towards him, and he staged whispered, "Lieutenant Uhura, you're wearing _pants_ today."

Uhura blinked rapidly. "That's it?" she asked. So that's why she thought everyone was staring at the floor; they were actually just staring at her... pants. Huh.

"What do you mean, 'that's it'? You _never_ wear pants!"

"Well, I felt like wearing them today."

"Uhura, you just- you can't just do that."

Uhura's mouth dropped open. "And why not?" she demanded, crossing her arms over her chest.

"I'm afraid that a large portion of the male population of this ship's morale would go down if you stopped wearing those insanely short mini-dresses." He said this with a completely straight face.

Uhura laughed. Jim did not.

"...oh my god, wait, you're _serious_?"

"I'm going to have to ask that you go change."

Uhura was speechless. She nodded slowly, walking to the turbolift. The doors hissed shut, and the lift started moving. She shook her head, still confused.

"What. The. Fuck."

:::

**Review?**


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